Finally got some good news today. They got in touch with the Captain...or someone...in charge of the unit he will be deploying with. They told him that October 30th was still absolutely ok to plan on and that he would have 2 days off before that and a few days off after too. AWESOME! I don't know what happened...like if there was some kind of gap in communication, like whoever spoke to them last week didn't know about it or what. Oh well, I don't care! We got the go ahead directly from someone in the unit so I'm ecstatic. We still don't know where I'll be living. It's not financially possible for me to move to Cali on our own dollar alone. We might have to find some roommates or something. Not ideal, but if it allows me to be near him I'll do it. I'm content to stay in New York even. I'm just overjoyed knowing I can marry my best friend before he deploys.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in days my mind and heart are at rest and I feel like I can rest now. My mind has been racing 24/7 since last week and now all of the resting it hasn't done is catching up with me. An actual restful night sleep sounds amazing, waking up and not having to worry about my wedding sounds even better! Night!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
and they say the military doesn't use torture...
Still no word on the wedding. Fiance is trying his hardest to get the answers we need, but having no luck. They're still saying they'll try to get him home for the wedding...but who knows when they'll actually have an answer. He got assigned his company today so I guess they know better who to contact and will be starting the process of getting a hold of them and seeing what they can do about the wedding date. It's so incredibly frustrating. We've decided that Jon is not going to try any harder to drop from IOC. It will have a lot of negative consequences for his future in the Corps and he wants to fly. No point in totally destroying his reputation when it might not even get us what we want. We're both just feel so broken. He feels to blame for all of this hardship and he feels like he's breaking my heart. I keep telling him it's not his fault.
This whole situation just seems so wrong to me. How can they tell us that he will have a week of leave so to go ahead and plan a wedding and then three months and over $2000 later tell us that's actually not the plan at all? Ok - so maybe there was some kind of miscommunication, but wouldn't the right thing to do be to let us have our wedding when we were told we could? A lot of people have spent a lot of money on it already, money that we can't get back and can't really afford to just give away. My parents can't really afford a wedding anyway and definitely have much better things to use the money for than just throw it away and get nothing in return. Needless to say Jon and I are thoroughly unimpressed. The Corps makes a big deal about the welfare of their men and women and integrity, but my fiance is more upset, broken, unmotivated and unhappy than I have ever seen him. There are so many people affected by this other than us...my parents, his parents, friends and family who have purchased plane tickets and taken time off of work already, people buying gifts for my shower, bridesmaids buying their dresses (dresses that weren't even what we wanted, but had to settle for because they were the only ones that would get here in time)...it just seems very wrong to me. Maybe that makes me a bad Marine wife-to-be...oh well I suppose.
I can't stop thinking about all of it. I don't know whether to go on planning and putting money into my wedding or not. I can't afford to lose more money, but I also can't afford to lose more time if the wedding can happen. If it weren't for all the money already invested in it I'd just say to wait, but too many people have invested too much at this point. If we can't have our wedding we've talked about just having a legal marriage done and go on a nice trip on the three weeks he gets off before he deploys and have a big wedding when he gets back. The whole symbolism of marriage is really important to us while he's gone. I don't really want that...I feel like it kind of takes away some of the special from the wedding ceremony. I want to be in my wedding dress surrounded by all I love when I say "I do". I hate having to settle.
Gah, I'm way too stressed out. I went and got a nice mani/pedi with my friend Sarah, which was awesome. Never been much of a nail girl, but man I could get used to that. Then did some good old fashioned retail therapy. Surprisingly I left the mall feeling better. I got a dress for my fiance's cousin's wedding this weekend. (I forgot to mention that I will most likely get to see him this weekend, if I get all my hours done at work by Friday. So so so so excited to see him.) Shopped at The Limited for the first time - LOVE. Spent too much money, but whatever. So yeah, left the mall having forgot about all this drama. Got home. Called him via Skype and he's just so sad. We're both so sad.
We've decided to to the best we can to just pray relentlessly for peace and to see God's will. And to trust Him to take care of us. But it's so hard. I'm a borderline control freak. I like knowing when things are happening and how they're happening and I like making plans and I don't like my plans being disrupted. When a situation is out of my control I just get stressed beyond belief. Obviously that's something I need to work on. I have gotten better. I don't know, God's never let me down before. I just don't know what his plan could possibly be. PRAYERS!
This whole situation just seems so wrong to me. How can they tell us that he will have a week of leave so to go ahead and plan a wedding and then three months and over $2000 later tell us that's actually not the plan at all? Ok - so maybe there was some kind of miscommunication, but wouldn't the right thing to do be to let us have our wedding when we were told we could? A lot of people have spent a lot of money on it already, money that we can't get back and can't really afford to just give away. My parents can't really afford a wedding anyway and definitely have much better things to use the money for than just throw it away and get nothing in return. Needless to say Jon and I are thoroughly unimpressed. The Corps makes a big deal about the welfare of their men and women and integrity, but my fiance is more upset, broken, unmotivated and unhappy than I have ever seen him. There are so many people affected by this other than us...my parents, his parents, friends and family who have purchased plane tickets and taken time off of work already, people buying gifts for my shower, bridesmaids buying their dresses (dresses that weren't even what we wanted, but had to settle for because they were the only ones that would get here in time)...it just seems very wrong to me. Maybe that makes me a bad Marine wife-to-be...oh well I suppose.
I can't stop thinking about all of it. I don't know whether to go on planning and putting money into my wedding or not. I can't afford to lose more money, but I also can't afford to lose more time if the wedding can happen. If it weren't for all the money already invested in it I'd just say to wait, but too many people have invested too much at this point. If we can't have our wedding we've talked about just having a legal marriage done and go on a nice trip on the three weeks he gets off before he deploys and have a big wedding when he gets back. The whole symbolism of marriage is really important to us while he's gone. I don't really want that...I feel like it kind of takes away some of the special from the wedding ceremony. I want to be in my wedding dress surrounded by all I love when I say "I do". I hate having to settle.
Gah, I'm way too stressed out. I went and got a nice mani/pedi with my friend Sarah, which was awesome. Never been much of a nail girl, but man I could get used to that. Then did some good old fashioned retail therapy. Surprisingly I left the mall feeling better. I got a dress for my fiance's cousin's wedding this weekend. (I forgot to mention that I will most likely get to see him this weekend, if I get all my hours done at work by Friday. So so so so excited to see him.) Shopped at The Limited for the first time - LOVE. Spent too much money, but whatever. So yeah, left the mall having forgot about all this drama. Got home. Called him via Skype and he's just so sad. We're both so sad.
We've decided to to the best we can to just pray relentlessly for peace and to see God's will. And to trust Him to take care of us. But it's so hard. I'm a borderline control freak. I like knowing when things are happening and how they're happening and I like making plans and I don't like my plans being disrupted. When a situation is out of my control I just get stressed beyond belief. Obviously that's something I need to work on. I have gotten better. I don't know, God's never let me down before. I just don't know what his plan could possibly be. PRAYERS!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lord give me strength to accept the things I cannot change...
Just a warning: this post is going to be primarily composed of word vomit and what may be perceived by some as whining. Act accordingly.
So, this is my second post in the entire really long time I've had this blog. I realize I only post when I've hit a real low point and don't know what else to do. I should really try to post when I'm in a good mood, however it seems I am most inspired when I am depressed, outraged, lonely, (list other negative emotions here). Whatever. I can think of worse ways to cope.
Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. Probably in the past nine months. My fiance's plans (and consequently my wedding plans) have changed. As my last post detailed he is an officer in the Marine Corps and his career has taken an unexpected twist. He's being sent to the Infantry Officer Course (IOC) and deploying in March then going to flight school. He was supposed to go straight to flight school, but the waiting period is so long the powers-that-be decided to do something else with the flight guys first. lame.
So whatever, we had to change our wedding date. After a lot of waiting and getting no answers he called the unit he would be deploying with to get answers - a risky move that some of his superiors didn't appreciate. Whatever. We got our information, and his fellow Lieutenants were pumped to get some information. So since the end of May we've been planning for our wedding on October 30th, with the go-ahead from some commanding officer of the unit he is now training and later deploying with.
As of a few weeks ago he had really began to consider whether it was the right thing to do, to do IOC and leave so soon after being married. His teachers and superiors repeatedly told them if they didn't feel they were in the right place to leave. If they didn't want to be there, they didn't want them there. So we started praying and seeking God's will as to whether or not this is the right step, or if he should drop out of IOC. We decided to keep praying and that he would get more information, find out just how much time we would be apart and some information about our living arrangements. (The unit was based out of Texas, but would be doing their training in California. We didn't know if I would be able to move to California or not, dependent upon whether or not we would get BAH - basic allowance for housing.) He had been told that he would work around 60 hours a week, but have holidays and most weekends off. So we said, hey that's not too bad. A few days ago someone from the Texas unit contacted them and said they would have time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas and three weeks off in February before they leave. Other than that, no time off. That meant no October wedding for us. He decided to drop.
He started asking questions and telling people he wanted to drop. They all said 'Well we think you should think this over a little more' but ultimately no one said they could stop him from doing it. Today he talked to the next person in line going up the bureaucratic chain and he said there was another guy trying to drop too and there's a good chance it's not possible. Excellent.
They said they would at least try to make sure he could be home for the wedding, but even that is now up in the air. They also won't give us BAH for me to go to Cali, I could only PCS (permanent change of station) to Pensacola, FL or Texas. One of his friends' family is in Cali and his wife will be staying there with their family. She's offered to let me live with her too, however she will be living 300 miles away from the base they will be training at. We cannot afford the cost of living in San Diego without BAH. It's not even close to possible. Bottom line - I may not be getting married in October (which we've already put a lot of money into that we can't get back) and even if I do, I won't be within 300 miles of my husband except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Awesome.
I just don't understand. The Marine Corps puts on this big front about caring so much for their men and their families. But so far they've done nothing but screw us over, telling us one thing only to turn around and tell us something completely different. As I'm sure anyone can imagine, this isn't good for the morale of their men. I've never seen my fiance so unhappy. How can he possibly do his job adequately when he desperately wants only to be somewhere else? He loves his job, he loves the Marine Corps. I have to admit I do too. I've never felt such a feeling of welcoming, belonging and family anywhere but when I've been on the base with other Marines. The seasoned Marine wives all know where us just starting out are and are so incredibly friendly and wanting to help. The people are great. The bureaucracy sucks.
I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's not over yet. He hasn't been given a definite no yet. He's going to keep trying and doing all he can, but neither of us have much hope. We can't see God's will, we don't know what he's doing in this situation. It's so incredibly hard to believe he's working when I feel such despair and absolutely no way out. All I want is to marry the love of my life and actually get to be with him awhile. We've been together almost four years and we've spent three of them an hour and a half or more apart. We're getting married because we love being together and want to be together. I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, but you chose to marry a Marine...this is what happens. True. But, he wasn't supposed to have to leave for at least two more years. I'm fully aware that deployment and separation is going to be a part of my life. duh. But the timing is horrible. If I even had a solid month or two to enjoy being married to my best friend before he had to start the work up that would be enough for me. I'm not asking for a year or a lifetime of him never leaving, obviously. I just want to get married and move into a cute little apartment with OUR stuff. Put OUR stuff in OUR space and just be with each other. For just a little while. I don't need a fabulous honeymoon. I don't need anything extravagant. I just want a little time.
As it stands, the wedding is going to be like a big good bye celebration. Like, he'll get there MAYBE two days before. We'll get married. And he'll leave. And I will stay home. In New York. With my parents. Not okay. I out grew this town four years ago. I don't want to be here, not even now. One reason I love the idea of being a military wife is because of all the different places I'll get to experience. Definitely a lot of different states, but there's even the possibility for different countries. But I want to go with him. I could move to Florida or Texas. But I know absolutely no one. I'd be a newlywed and completely alone. Isn't that the opposite idea of marriage? I don't want to be in a new place where I know no one and can't even talk to my husband because he's in a different state learning how to fight terrorists. I don't want to.
I'm just so lost. Why would God do this to us? Why does everything always have to be so hard? I have yet to tell my parents or any of my friends (except for Kaity now...as she reads this...) because I just can't bare to. From the moment my fiance decided to join and I decided to do it with him, I've never felt that neither my family nor his really thought I could do this. I think they all see me as being weak and too dependent. They are so traditional, they all think of a woman as a weak, submissive creature that needs a man to take care of her. I need to be take care of. I could never take care of myself. My mom never lived alone, she went from living with her parents to living with her husband. His parents went to college for less than a semester and dropped out and got married, his mom was 19. I just can't help but feeling that they think I am too weak and fragile. And I despise being viewed that way. I've lost my train of thought...and that point now seems irrelevant...damn.
I'm so afraid to cry. I feel that if I cry it's saying I am weak. I can't do this. It's too hard. And while my head is saying that, my heart isn't. I know I can do it (though I don't want to). It will most undoubtedly be hard. But nothing is too hard with faith. I just need to find it.
Maybe that's the point. One thing is certain; we have not placed God in the center of our relationship as we should. We kind of know that's what everyone's saying we should do. But we don't. Through this we really have been trying much harder to seek His will and to earnestly pray. I can only hope that once we start waiving our arms in panic 'Hey God! We do believe! We do have faith! Please take care of us!' He'll be like 'YES! You've learned your lesson!' and relieve us. Unfortunately, I know that's not really how it works most of the time. I'm just so confused, so broken. I am mad at the Marine Corps for having so much power over my life. ahhhhhhh.
I am terrified of what the next week will bring. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...and working on knowing how to handle it. Lots of prayers please. Prayers for peace, for understanding, for wisdom, for courage, for strength, for sight.
So, this is my second post in the entire really long time I've had this blog. I realize I only post when I've hit a real low point and don't know what else to do. I should really try to post when I'm in a good mood, however it seems I am most inspired when I am depressed, outraged, lonely, (list other negative emotions here). Whatever. I can think of worse ways to cope.
Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. Probably in the past nine months. My fiance's plans (and consequently my wedding plans) have changed. As my last post detailed he is an officer in the Marine Corps and his career has taken an unexpected twist. He's being sent to the Infantry Officer Course (IOC) and deploying in March then going to flight school. He was supposed to go straight to flight school, but the waiting period is so long the powers-that-be decided to do something else with the flight guys first. lame.
So whatever, we had to change our wedding date. After a lot of waiting and getting no answers he called the unit he would be deploying with to get answers - a risky move that some of his superiors didn't appreciate. Whatever. We got our information, and his fellow Lieutenants were pumped to get some information. So since the end of May we've been planning for our wedding on October 30th, with the go-ahead from some commanding officer of the unit he is now training and later deploying with.
As of a few weeks ago he had really began to consider whether it was the right thing to do, to do IOC and leave so soon after being married. His teachers and superiors repeatedly told them if they didn't feel they were in the right place to leave. If they didn't want to be there, they didn't want them there. So we started praying and seeking God's will as to whether or not this is the right step, or if he should drop out of IOC. We decided to keep praying and that he would get more information, find out just how much time we would be apart and some information about our living arrangements. (The unit was based out of Texas, but would be doing their training in California. We didn't know if I would be able to move to California or not, dependent upon whether or not we would get BAH - basic allowance for housing.) He had been told that he would work around 60 hours a week, but have holidays and most weekends off. So we said, hey that's not too bad. A few days ago someone from the Texas unit contacted them and said they would have time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas and three weeks off in February before they leave. Other than that, no time off. That meant no October wedding for us. He decided to drop.
He started asking questions and telling people he wanted to drop. They all said 'Well we think you should think this over a little more' but ultimately no one said they could stop him from doing it. Today he talked to the next person in line going up the bureaucratic chain and he said there was another guy trying to drop too and there's a good chance it's not possible. Excellent.
They said they would at least try to make sure he could be home for the wedding, but even that is now up in the air. They also won't give us BAH for me to go to Cali, I could only PCS (permanent change of station) to Pensacola, FL or Texas. One of his friends' family is in Cali and his wife will be staying there with their family. She's offered to let me live with her too, however she will be living 300 miles away from the base they will be training at. We cannot afford the cost of living in San Diego without BAH. It's not even close to possible. Bottom line - I may not be getting married in October (which we've already put a lot of money into that we can't get back) and even if I do, I won't be within 300 miles of my husband except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Awesome.
I just don't understand. The Marine Corps puts on this big front about caring so much for their men and their families. But so far they've done nothing but screw us over, telling us one thing only to turn around and tell us something completely different. As I'm sure anyone can imagine, this isn't good for the morale of their men. I've never seen my fiance so unhappy. How can he possibly do his job adequately when he desperately wants only to be somewhere else? He loves his job, he loves the Marine Corps. I have to admit I do too. I've never felt such a feeling of welcoming, belonging and family anywhere but when I've been on the base with other Marines. The seasoned Marine wives all know where us just starting out are and are so incredibly friendly and wanting to help. The people are great. The bureaucracy sucks.
I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's not over yet. He hasn't been given a definite no yet. He's going to keep trying and doing all he can, but neither of us have much hope. We can't see God's will, we don't know what he's doing in this situation. It's so incredibly hard to believe he's working when I feel such despair and absolutely no way out. All I want is to marry the love of my life and actually get to be with him awhile. We've been together almost four years and we've spent three of them an hour and a half or more apart. We're getting married because we love being together and want to be together. I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, but you chose to marry a Marine...this is what happens. True. But, he wasn't supposed to have to leave for at least two more years. I'm fully aware that deployment and separation is going to be a part of my life. duh. But the timing is horrible. If I even had a solid month or two to enjoy being married to my best friend before he had to start the work up that would be enough for me. I'm not asking for a year or a lifetime of him never leaving, obviously. I just want to get married and move into a cute little apartment with OUR stuff. Put OUR stuff in OUR space and just be with each other. For just a little while. I don't need a fabulous honeymoon. I don't need anything extravagant. I just want a little time.
As it stands, the wedding is going to be like a big good bye celebration. Like, he'll get there MAYBE two days before. We'll get married. And he'll leave. And I will stay home. In New York. With my parents. Not okay. I out grew this town four years ago. I don't want to be here, not even now. One reason I love the idea of being a military wife is because of all the different places I'll get to experience. Definitely a lot of different states, but there's even the possibility for different countries. But I want to go with him. I could move to Florida or Texas. But I know absolutely no one. I'd be a newlywed and completely alone. Isn't that the opposite idea of marriage? I don't want to be in a new place where I know no one and can't even talk to my husband because he's in a different state learning how to fight terrorists. I don't want to.
I'm just so lost. Why would God do this to us? Why does everything always have to be so hard? I have yet to tell my parents or any of my friends (except for Kaity now...as she reads this...) because I just can't bare to. From the moment my fiance decided to join and I decided to do it with him, I've never felt that neither my family nor his really thought I could do this. I think they all see me as being weak and too dependent. They are so traditional, they all think of a woman as a weak, submissive creature that needs a man to take care of her. I need to be take care of. I could never take care of myself. My mom never lived alone, she went from living with her parents to living with her husband. His parents went to college for less than a semester and dropped out and got married, his mom was 19. I just can't help but feeling that they think I am too weak and fragile. And I despise being viewed that way. I've lost my train of thought...and that point now seems irrelevant...damn.
I'm so afraid to cry. I feel that if I cry it's saying I am weak. I can't do this. It's too hard. And while my head is saying that, my heart isn't. I know I can do it (though I don't want to). It will most undoubtedly be hard. But nothing is too hard with faith. I just need to find it.
Maybe that's the point. One thing is certain; we have not placed God in the center of our relationship as we should. We kind of know that's what everyone's saying we should do. But we don't. Through this we really have been trying much harder to seek His will and to earnestly pray. I can only hope that once we start waiving our arms in panic 'Hey God! We do believe! We do have faith! Please take care of us!' He'll be like 'YES! You've learned your lesson!' and relieve us. Unfortunately, I know that's not really how it works most of the time. I'm just so confused, so broken. I am mad at the Marine Corps for having so much power over my life. ahhhhhhh.
I am terrified of what the next week will bring. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...and working on knowing how to handle it. Lots of prayers please. Prayers for peace, for understanding, for wisdom, for courage, for strength, for sight.
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