"When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
When top of the mind becomes the bottom line
When success is equated with excess
This ain’t my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I’m tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream
Like a puppet on a monetary string
Maybe we’ve been caught singing
red, white, blue, and green
But that ain’t my America,
That ain’t my American dream"
-Switchfoot
This song has been playing over and over and over in my head for some time now, for a couple of reasons. The first is, I'm unemployed. The hubby has a job obviously so we're not really struggling with finances, but we have just enough coming in to pay all of our bills and have some left over to go out and do a few things on the weekend. We didn't have enough to get a super great house - not that ours is bad by any means. It's just small and not in the greatest location. And it's bare. We, being newly weds and never living on our own outside of college, don't have much furniture or decor to fill a house with. Not to mention all of my clothes have holes and stains all over them.
If my husband and I were the typical 23 year olds, just out of college and starting out into the real world, this probably wouldn't bother me so much. But we're not. We're in the military. And all of the people we're surrounded by are older and somehow seem to have more financial stability because they're houses are much nicer and are filled with nice things and wear nice clothes and have big rings and designer bags. Which is all well and good. But I've just been overwhelmed with a feeling of lacking and embarrassment. I don't want to have people over to my house because I've seen where and how they live and am almost ashamed of how and where I live. It's just like the lyrics to the song. I've bough into the idea that success is demonstrated by the stuff we have. And that's annoying.
The second reason is I went to a job interview today. While that's great - seeing as I've been applying to jobs for months and never even gotten a call back - I was in that place for an hour and I can already tell I would HATE it there. It's a marketing company that sells airspace on the radio to local companies. The message they pounded into my head for an hour was that it would be my job to help my clients make money. And was shown multiple demonstrations about how I personally can make the most money. The whole entire hour was filled with money money money money. The woman interviewing me said, verbatim, "It's a really rewarding job because you're helping people make money. Really what you're doing is helping people." Uhm. No. That's what I did at YAP. I helped people SURVIVE. Not businesses make profit from consumers. I just hate that whole idea. I hate the idea of working for a company that does nothing I care about, nothing I perceive as meaningful. It's not even like it's just a food service job or an office job where my particular job may feel meaningless. It's that I hate the entire idea of their company. The people were pushy and snobby and obviously held the path to wealth in great esteem. I don't fit in there, I don't agree with their business philosophies and while I didn't expect to feel satisfied with my job, I certainly don't want to feel hatred toward it. Yet, it would be 40 hours a week making $11.00 an hour - $440 a week - $1500 a month. That extra money would be AMAZING.
So I'm caught. My lusting after material possessions to feel adequate in the eyes of my peers is almost making me feel better about the thought of taking a job in an industry I want nothing to do with. And it's just that. Pure and simple. I don't NEED the money. If I were single or if my husband had an entry level job somewhere, I wouldn't think twice about it. But the bare facts are I would hate it there and it only seems appealing because it would enable me to afford the material luxuries my peers have. I feel pressured by the world to develop a need for expensive things. Like a Coach bag on my arm somehow signals to a passerby that I'm worth something. Honestly, my last job I made a decent amount of money, but I would have done it any day for much less because I LOVED it. And I felt fulfilled.
Anyway, enough ramblings. I'm just stuck. I don't know if I should remain jobless over taking a job in an industry I hate. I've been complaining about being jobless for so long that I feel I have no right to reject the offer. But I just don't think I could hack it.
