I have been severely neglecting my blog, no surprise there. I suppose for whatever reason I've been lacking in inspiration and feeling incredibly unmotivated to just sit and think -- not that I've been at a loss for time. I don't like not being in school, not having a specific time and place in which I must engage intellectually and exercise that big muscle inside my skull. It's so strange to miss something that I've only wished to escape the past 17 years of my existence. I've been considering going back to school part-time to get a psychology or counseling degree, instead of taking the bigger step of pursuing my MSW. Spending that much time and money on something so uncertain scares me too much. I just feel that I desperately need intellectual stimulation and am not sure how else to get it. I miss learning, the opportunity to be taught, to grow and expand my understanding of my world.
Anyway, that's not at all what I wanted to blog about. I don't actually know what to blog about. My mind is running in a million different directions, so bare with me and hope that something other than complete and utter word vomit comes out. I think that one of my many New Year resolutions will be to set aside at least half an hour every day to just sit by myself, with some good music on, and think, blog if so inspired, but if not, just take the time to contemplate life, goals, questions...anything. Once again, not what I really wanted to blog about.
A few weeks ago I walked into the room to find my husband on the couch scrolling through pages and pages of his 500-something friends on Facebook. I asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was deleting "friends" that he didn't talk to, didn't know or just didn't want having access to his information. I kind of laughed at him and watched, amused and asking him to explain each and every decision about whether or not to maintain cyber friendship with a particular individual. Most of his reasons centered around his job and the importance of confidentiality and controlling what information was available to which people, etc. The result was a friend list that had decreased by 300 or 400 people. I didn't really think much more about it.
However, tonight after he went to bed, I sat on the couch and found myself looking through my 500 friends on facebook. I began to think about the people I was "friends" with. There wasn't anyone that I had never personally met or had some type of relationship with. But a great deal of the people I hadn't spoken to in four and a half years, some much longer. Some of them I had never really spoken to, other than a brief introduction or forced awkward conversation. Some of them I didn't even like! So many of them I had absolutely no justification for "friendship" -- however superficial it may be. I decided it was time to downsize. If I wouldn't even say hello to these people if I passed them on the street, they certainly didn't need to have access to all of this information about me. Chances are I probably sent them a friend request simply to look at them since I last saw them and compare myself to them, to see how I measured up I suppose. And so I began the sorting process.
Some of them -- family, close friends, best friends -- were no-brainers. Others, ex-coworkers, other Marine wives, etc. I kept for networking purposes. The peculiar thing was that there were very few, if any, "friends" that I was not at all hesitant to remove. My strategy was to look through the mass of names and faces and ask myself for each one: if I were to spot this person on the street or in a bar I would I go up to them and say hi? If yes, I'd keep them. If no, then I removed them. But for some reason that I still cannot explain, people that I absolutely knew I would not say hi to I was incredibly hesitant to remove. People from high school or college that I knew of, but never spoke to, were so hard to delete from my life. It was like if I clicked that delete button, that person was just erased from my life, gone as if they never existed. And while it is very possible that that particular person had very little or no impact on my life, I found myself afraid of forgetting them.
Maybe it is because years from now I want to be able to know what became of them. Maybe I want to be able to look at them and see that I've done something better with my life. Maybe I want them to be able to look at me so I can shout "Ha! Look at me! Look how great my life is!" Whatever the reason may be, I realize that my motivation for requesting their Facebook friendship and maintaining it is completely and thoroughly selfish.
Once again I'm faced with the reality of just how much I care about what people think. It's disgusting. I have this insatiable need to compare myself to other people. People I don't even know, people I've never even had a conversation with. It's ridiculous and juvenile. I can't figure out why it is so important to me, why I can't just focus on being who I want to be - and more importantly who God wants and intended me to be. It really does not matter in the slightest what the guy I sat next to in biology in 10th grade thinks about me. And yet I cling to some superficial "friendship" on a social networking website. It's just bizarre. I wish I knew how to shake this, but I don't. I've been trying to for so long, but comparing myself to other people just seems to be so ingrained in my everyday life, it's almost subconscious.
So that's what's on my mind tonight. I don't really know of any eloquent way to conclude. I wish I could conclude with some means of combating my bad habit, resulting from deep meditation and thinking. But that's not the case. So I guess I will say wish me luck on my endeavors to find a solution to this inconvenience, and bid you all good night.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
every ending's a new beginning
Suddenly these past two weeks my mind has been flooded with things to blog about, but the computer didn't want to cooperate. Good blog-spiration comes so rarely that it has been nearly torturous having all these things to say and not being able to! But finally, the powers of the cyber universe have decided to cooperate. Now I must decide what to blog about!
I suppose an update should be made about my previous dilemma. Due to near heat stroke my fiance got dropped from the Infantry Officer Course and is back on track for flight school. He's in Florida now in our apartment waiting for me to get there! Though it honestly is kind of annoying that we had to go through all that stress and fear for nothing, we both know that God did it to show us how much we need to trust him and how much we've been neglecting to search out His will before our own. And also to show us how much we really can withstand together. The wedding is quickly approaching and we're sooo excited! Ahh! Can't wait!
So along with the wedding just around the corner [12 days around the corner actually] a lot of things are changing very quickly. I've been working at Youth Advocate Programs, Inc for the past five months. I work with at-risk 12-17 year olds who are involved in all kinds of crazy things that I didn't even know existed when I was their age. I was hired as a paid intern and honestly was terrified of the job. I had zero experience with kids like this. I really desperately wanted to make a difference in their lives, but just had no idea how effective I would be. I told my boss from the start that I could only work until October. After a few months I figured I'd be more than ready to go by the time October got here.
At my interview I did horrible, I was surprised I got the job. My boss straight up told me I did terrible at the interview. Talk about ruining my confidence. So I've been working the past five months not really knowing how well I was doing and doubting myself and my work. Last Friday had my exit interview. My boss told me that he was so very impressed with my work and what I've been doing with the kids and that they definitely didn't expect enough from me when I was hired. He said that if I had not been planning to leave in October I would have been offered a position as an Intensive Family Coordinator [basically the next step up the ladder], which is a big deal because most people who get the job have to apply for it, it's not generally just offered to someone. He told me that if I ever move back I will always have a job there waiting for me and that if I ever need a reference or help getting a job at another branch of YAP to give him a call because he has nothing but amazing things to say about me. Wow. Definitely a confidence boost!
So while that was great to hear, it made me sad. I've spent all this time doubting myself and my effectiveness so much so that I couldn't wait to be done with the job so that I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was doing what was expected of me. And now I find out that I've really stood out and been doing amazing. After hearing that I feel like I could do so much more for these kids and really empowered. Not to mention I had just started developing a really good relationship with my toughest client. That day was hard, so full of emotion. I was sad to be leaving, but relieved to be getting away from the stress of the job. I was disappointed that I didn't get to experience being promoted and holding an actual full-time adult job, disappointed that I wouldn't have that to put on my resume. I was proud that my boss was so impressed with me, proud that I had done something that made a difference. And I was mad. Mad that my fiance's job was making me leave mine. Scared that I would never be able to have a job I really loved because I would always have to leave it. Afraid that I would always blame my fiance for that. Eventually I realized that was unfair, as I chose this just as much as he did.
Today was my last day. I had to turn in my office key, my ID, my first aid kit. I passed on my uber organized binder of transport papers in alphabetical order. I had only worked there five months and honestly didn't know many of my coworkers that well, but it was hard to leave. I guess working in that kind of environment with that kind of stress bonds you to people who understand. In this line of work confidentiality is such a big deal that the only people you can really talk to about what's going on is other people that you work with. YAP is like a big family, we all look out for and take care of each other...and keep each other sane. And then having to say good bye to my clients...I've spent more time with them in the last five months than I have with my own family. I spend 7.5 - 10 hours a week with them. That's a lot of time. I actually haven't officially said good bye to two of them yet. I have to go with their new advocate to introduce her in about an hour. Not looking forward to it.
A very bittersweet day. Now I'm getting all anxious with wedding stuff. 12 days, ahh!
I suppose an update should be made about my previous dilemma. Due to near heat stroke my fiance got dropped from the Infantry Officer Course and is back on track for flight school. He's in Florida now in our apartment waiting for me to get there! Though it honestly is kind of annoying that we had to go through all that stress and fear for nothing, we both know that God did it to show us how much we need to trust him and how much we've been neglecting to search out His will before our own. And also to show us how much we really can withstand together. The wedding is quickly approaching and we're sooo excited! Ahh! Can't wait!
So along with the wedding just around the corner [12 days around the corner actually] a lot of things are changing very quickly. I've been working at Youth Advocate Programs, Inc for the past five months. I work with at-risk 12-17 year olds who are involved in all kinds of crazy things that I didn't even know existed when I was their age. I was hired as a paid intern and honestly was terrified of the job. I had zero experience with kids like this. I really desperately wanted to make a difference in their lives, but just had no idea how effective I would be. I told my boss from the start that I could only work until October. After a few months I figured I'd be more than ready to go by the time October got here.
At my interview I did horrible, I was surprised I got the job. My boss straight up told me I did terrible at the interview. Talk about ruining my confidence. So I've been working the past five months not really knowing how well I was doing and doubting myself and my work. Last Friday had my exit interview. My boss told me that he was so very impressed with my work and what I've been doing with the kids and that they definitely didn't expect enough from me when I was hired. He said that if I had not been planning to leave in October I would have been offered a position as an Intensive Family Coordinator [basically the next step up the ladder], which is a big deal because most people who get the job have to apply for it, it's not generally just offered to someone. He told me that if I ever move back I will always have a job there waiting for me and that if I ever need a reference or help getting a job at another branch of YAP to give him a call because he has nothing but amazing things to say about me. Wow. Definitely a confidence boost!
So while that was great to hear, it made me sad. I've spent all this time doubting myself and my effectiveness so much so that I couldn't wait to be done with the job so that I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was doing what was expected of me. And now I find out that I've really stood out and been doing amazing. After hearing that I feel like I could do so much more for these kids and really empowered. Not to mention I had just started developing a really good relationship with my toughest client. That day was hard, so full of emotion. I was sad to be leaving, but relieved to be getting away from the stress of the job. I was disappointed that I didn't get to experience being promoted and holding an actual full-time adult job, disappointed that I wouldn't have that to put on my resume. I was proud that my boss was so impressed with me, proud that I had done something that made a difference. And I was mad. Mad that my fiance's job was making me leave mine. Scared that I would never be able to have a job I really loved because I would always have to leave it. Afraid that I would always blame my fiance for that. Eventually I realized that was unfair, as I chose this just as much as he did.
Today was my last day. I had to turn in my office key, my ID, my first aid kit. I passed on my uber organized binder of transport papers in alphabetical order. I had only worked there five months and honestly didn't know many of my coworkers that well, but it was hard to leave. I guess working in that kind of environment with that kind of stress bonds you to people who understand. In this line of work confidentiality is such a big deal that the only people you can really talk to about what's going on is other people that you work with. YAP is like a big family, we all look out for and take care of each other...and keep each other sane. And then having to say good bye to my clients...I've spent more time with them in the last five months than I have with my own family. I spend 7.5 - 10 hours a week with them. That's a lot of time. I actually haven't officially said good bye to two of them yet. I have to go with their new advocate to introduce her in about an hour. Not looking forward to it.
A very bittersweet day. Now I'm getting all anxious with wedding stuff. 12 days, ahh!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Whitney Lately
Hooray! I have two followers! Shout out to my new follower! haha...I'm super excited! Anyway...
So, the wedding is on as planned - yayy!!! We're still working on the living arrangements. The Major in charge of IOC called the unit in Texas that my fiance will be deploying with and asked why they wouldn't PCS the wives to Pendleton where they will actually be training, but they didn't have a good answer. The Major seemed to think that was ridiculous, just as we do and like he might try to work something out. We'll see. My fiance talked to the Chaplain too and he told him there might be some cheaper temporary housing available. He was going to look into it and meet with my fiance again later. Hopefully something works out. If not, I'm just glad to be getting married before he leaves. He has three weeks off in February before he leaves for Afghanistan so we're going to take our honeymoon then! Yay!
Friday I had to go whitewater rafting for our staff retreat at work. I was so terrified all week...but it was so fun! It probably helped that I didn't fall out of the raft. But that was super fun.
Yesterday I drove to PA for my fiance's cousin's wedding. Got to see him too for a little while, but not long enough! = [ But the wedding was fun, got me SO excited for mine! I can't even wait! The fiance is out in the field starting tomorrow at 0430 til sometime Saturday, miss him already.
At some point when I'm not so exhausted and feeling a bit more contemplative I'll blog about what I think we've learned through this past week and a half or so. Through the entire experience I just kept trying to find what God was trying to show us. Of course I can't be positive, but I have some ideas, and I know what we have learned. But that is for another time!
So, the wedding is on as planned - yayy!!! We're still working on the living arrangements. The Major in charge of IOC called the unit in Texas that my fiance will be deploying with and asked why they wouldn't PCS the wives to Pendleton where they will actually be training, but they didn't have a good answer. The Major seemed to think that was ridiculous, just as we do and like he might try to work something out. We'll see. My fiance talked to the Chaplain too and he told him there might be some cheaper temporary housing available. He was going to look into it and meet with my fiance again later. Hopefully something works out. If not, I'm just glad to be getting married before he leaves. He has three weeks off in February before he leaves for Afghanistan so we're going to take our honeymoon then! Yay!
Friday I had to go whitewater rafting for our staff retreat at work. I was so terrified all week...but it was so fun! It probably helped that I didn't fall out of the raft. But that was super fun.
Yesterday I drove to PA for my fiance's cousin's wedding. Got to see him too for a little while, but not long enough! = [ But the wedding was fun, got me SO excited for mine! I can't even wait! The fiance is out in the field starting tomorrow at 0430 til sometime Saturday, miss him already.
At some point when I'm not so exhausted and feeling a bit more contemplative I'll blog about what I think we've learned through this past week and a half or so. Through the entire experience I just kept trying to find what God was trying to show us. Of course I can't be positive, but I have some ideas, and I know what we have learned. But that is for another time!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
good news!
Finally got some good news today. They got in touch with the Captain...or someone...in charge of the unit he will be deploying with. They told him that October 30th was still absolutely ok to plan on and that he would have 2 days off before that and a few days off after too. AWESOME! I don't know what happened...like if there was some kind of gap in communication, like whoever spoke to them last week didn't know about it or what. Oh well, I don't care! We got the go ahead directly from someone in the unit so I'm ecstatic. We still don't know where I'll be living. It's not financially possible for me to move to Cali on our own dollar alone. We might have to find some roommates or something. Not ideal, but if it allows me to be near him I'll do it. I'm content to stay in New York even. I'm just overjoyed knowing I can marry my best friend before he deploys.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in days my mind and heart are at rest and I feel like I can rest now. My mind has been racing 24/7 since last week and now all of the resting it hasn't done is catching up with me. An actual restful night sleep sounds amazing, waking up and not having to worry about my wedding sounds even better! Night!
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. For the first time in days my mind and heart are at rest and I feel like I can rest now. My mind has been racing 24/7 since last week and now all of the resting it hasn't done is catching up with me. An actual restful night sleep sounds amazing, waking up and not having to worry about my wedding sounds even better! Night!
Monday, July 26, 2010
and they say the military doesn't use torture...
Still no word on the wedding. Fiance is trying his hardest to get the answers we need, but having no luck. They're still saying they'll try to get him home for the wedding...but who knows when they'll actually have an answer. He got assigned his company today so I guess they know better who to contact and will be starting the process of getting a hold of them and seeing what they can do about the wedding date. It's so incredibly frustrating. We've decided that Jon is not going to try any harder to drop from IOC. It will have a lot of negative consequences for his future in the Corps and he wants to fly. No point in totally destroying his reputation when it might not even get us what we want. We're both just feel so broken. He feels to blame for all of this hardship and he feels like he's breaking my heart. I keep telling him it's not his fault.
This whole situation just seems so wrong to me. How can they tell us that he will have a week of leave so to go ahead and plan a wedding and then three months and over $2000 later tell us that's actually not the plan at all? Ok - so maybe there was some kind of miscommunication, but wouldn't the right thing to do be to let us have our wedding when we were told we could? A lot of people have spent a lot of money on it already, money that we can't get back and can't really afford to just give away. My parents can't really afford a wedding anyway and definitely have much better things to use the money for than just throw it away and get nothing in return. Needless to say Jon and I are thoroughly unimpressed. The Corps makes a big deal about the welfare of their men and women and integrity, but my fiance is more upset, broken, unmotivated and unhappy than I have ever seen him. There are so many people affected by this other than us...my parents, his parents, friends and family who have purchased plane tickets and taken time off of work already, people buying gifts for my shower, bridesmaids buying their dresses (dresses that weren't even what we wanted, but had to settle for because they were the only ones that would get here in time)...it just seems very wrong to me. Maybe that makes me a bad Marine wife-to-be...oh well I suppose.
I can't stop thinking about all of it. I don't know whether to go on planning and putting money into my wedding or not. I can't afford to lose more money, but I also can't afford to lose more time if the wedding can happen. If it weren't for all the money already invested in it I'd just say to wait, but too many people have invested too much at this point. If we can't have our wedding we've talked about just having a legal marriage done and go on a nice trip on the three weeks he gets off before he deploys and have a big wedding when he gets back. The whole symbolism of marriage is really important to us while he's gone. I don't really want that...I feel like it kind of takes away some of the special from the wedding ceremony. I want to be in my wedding dress surrounded by all I love when I say "I do". I hate having to settle.
Gah, I'm way too stressed out. I went and got a nice mani/pedi with my friend Sarah, which was awesome. Never been much of a nail girl, but man I could get used to that. Then did some good old fashioned retail therapy. Surprisingly I left the mall feeling better. I got a dress for my fiance's cousin's wedding this weekend. (I forgot to mention that I will most likely get to see him this weekend, if I get all my hours done at work by Friday. So so so so excited to see him.) Shopped at The Limited for the first time - LOVE. Spent too much money, but whatever. So yeah, left the mall having forgot about all this drama. Got home. Called him via Skype and he's just so sad. We're both so sad.
We've decided to to the best we can to just pray relentlessly for peace and to see God's will. And to trust Him to take care of us. But it's so hard. I'm a borderline control freak. I like knowing when things are happening and how they're happening and I like making plans and I don't like my plans being disrupted. When a situation is out of my control I just get stressed beyond belief. Obviously that's something I need to work on. I have gotten better. I don't know, God's never let me down before. I just don't know what his plan could possibly be. PRAYERS!
This whole situation just seems so wrong to me. How can they tell us that he will have a week of leave so to go ahead and plan a wedding and then three months and over $2000 later tell us that's actually not the plan at all? Ok - so maybe there was some kind of miscommunication, but wouldn't the right thing to do be to let us have our wedding when we were told we could? A lot of people have spent a lot of money on it already, money that we can't get back and can't really afford to just give away. My parents can't really afford a wedding anyway and definitely have much better things to use the money for than just throw it away and get nothing in return. Needless to say Jon and I are thoroughly unimpressed. The Corps makes a big deal about the welfare of their men and women and integrity, but my fiance is more upset, broken, unmotivated and unhappy than I have ever seen him. There are so many people affected by this other than us...my parents, his parents, friends and family who have purchased plane tickets and taken time off of work already, people buying gifts for my shower, bridesmaids buying their dresses (dresses that weren't even what we wanted, but had to settle for because they were the only ones that would get here in time)...it just seems very wrong to me. Maybe that makes me a bad Marine wife-to-be...oh well I suppose.
I can't stop thinking about all of it. I don't know whether to go on planning and putting money into my wedding or not. I can't afford to lose more money, but I also can't afford to lose more time if the wedding can happen. If it weren't for all the money already invested in it I'd just say to wait, but too many people have invested too much at this point. If we can't have our wedding we've talked about just having a legal marriage done and go on a nice trip on the three weeks he gets off before he deploys and have a big wedding when he gets back. The whole symbolism of marriage is really important to us while he's gone. I don't really want that...I feel like it kind of takes away some of the special from the wedding ceremony. I want to be in my wedding dress surrounded by all I love when I say "I do". I hate having to settle.
Gah, I'm way too stressed out. I went and got a nice mani/pedi with my friend Sarah, which was awesome. Never been much of a nail girl, but man I could get used to that. Then did some good old fashioned retail therapy. Surprisingly I left the mall feeling better. I got a dress for my fiance's cousin's wedding this weekend. (I forgot to mention that I will most likely get to see him this weekend, if I get all my hours done at work by Friday. So so so so excited to see him.) Shopped at The Limited for the first time - LOVE. Spent too much money, but whatever. So yeah, left the mall having forgot about all this drama. Got home. Called him via Skype and he's just so sad. We're both so sad.
We've decided to to the best we can to just pray relentlessly for peace and to see God's will. And to trust Him to take care of us. But it's so hard. I'm a borderline control freak. I like knowing when things are happening and how they're happening and I like making plans and I don't like my plans being disrupted. When a situation is out of my control I just get stressed beyond belief. Obviously that's something I need to work on. I have gotten better. I don't know, God's never let me down before. I just don't know what his plan could possibly be. PRAYERS!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lord give me strength to accept the things I cannot change...
Just a warning: this post is going to be primarily composed of word vomit and what may be perceived by some as whining. Act accordingly.
So, this is my second post in the entire really long time I've had this blog. I realize I only post when I've hit a real low point and don't know what else to do. I should really try to post when I'm in a good mood, however it seems I am most inspired when I am depressed, outraged, lonely, (list other negative emotions here). Whatever. I can think of worse ways to cope.
Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. Probably in the past nine months. My fiance's plans (and consequently my wedding plans) have changed. As my last post detailed he is an officer in the Marine Corps and his career has taken an unexpected twist. He's being sent to the Infantry Officer Course (IOC) and deploying in March then going to flight school. He was supposed to go straight to flight school, but the waiting period is so long the powers-that-be decided to do something else with the flight guys first. lame.
So whatever, we had to change our wedding date. After a lot of waiting and getting no answers he called the unit he would be deploying with to get answers - a risky move that some of his superiors didn't appreciate. Whatever. We got our information, and his fellow Lieutenants were pumped to get some information. So since the end of May we've been planning for our wedding on October 30th, with the go-ahead from some commanding officer of the unit he is now training and later deploying with.
As of a few weeks ago he had really began to consider whether it was the right thing to do, to do IOC and leave so soon after being married. His teachers and superiors repeatedly told them if they didn't feel they were in the right place to leave. If they didn't want to be there, they didn't want them there. So we started praying and seeking God's will as to whether or not this is the right step, or if he should drop out of IOC. We decided to keep praying and that he would get more information, find out just how much time we would be apart and some information about our living arrangements. (The unit was based out of Texas, but would be doing their training in California. We didn't know if I would be able to move to California or not, dependent upon whether or not we would get BAH - basic allowance for housing.) He had been told that he would work around 60 hours a week, but have holidays and most weekends off. So we said, hey that's not too bad. A few days ago someone from the Texas unit contacted them and said they would have time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas and three weeks off in February before they leave. Other than that, no time off. That meant no October wedding for us. He decided to drop.
He started asking questions and telling people he wanted to drop. They all said 'Well we think you should think this over a little more' but ultimately no one said they could stop him from doing it. Today he talked to the next person in line going up the bureaucratic chain and he said there was another guy trying to drop too and there's a good chance it's not possible. Excellent.
They said they would at least try to make sure he could be home for the wedding, but even that is now up in the air. They also won't give us BAH for me to go to Cali, I could only PCS (permanent change of station) to Pensacola, FL or Texas. One of his friends' family is in Cali and his wife will be staying there with their family. She's offered to let me live with her too, however she will be living 300 miles away from the base they will be training at. We cannot afford the cost of living in San Diego without BAH. It's not even close to possible. Bottom line - I may not be getting married in October (which we've already put a lot of money into that we can't get back) and even if I do, I won't be within 300 miles of my husband except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Awesome.
I just don't understand. The Marine Corps puts on this big front about caring so much for their men and their families. But so far they've done nothing but screw us over, telling us one thing only to turn around and tell us something completely different. As I'm sure anyone can imagine, this isn't good for the morale of their men. I've never seen my fiance so unhappy. How can he possibly do his job adequately when he desperately wants only to be somewhere else? He loves his job, he loves the Marine Corps. I have to admit I do too. I've never felt such a feeling of welcoming, belonging and family anywhere but when I've been on the base with other Marines. The seasoned Marine wives all know where us just starting out are and are so incredibly friendly and wanting to help. The people are great. The bureaucracy sucks.
I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's not over yet. He hasn't been given a definite no yet. He's going to keep trying and doing all he can, but neither of us have much hope. We can't see God's will, we don't know what he's doing in this situation. It's so incredibly hard to believe he's working when I feel such despair and absolutely no way out. All I want is to marry the love of my life and actually get to be with him awhile. We've been together almost four years and we've spent three of them an hour and a half or more apart. We're getting married because we love being together and want to be together. I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, but you chose to marry a Marine...this is what happens. True. But, he wasn't supposed to have to leave for at least two more years. I'm fully aware that deployment and separation is going to be a part of my life. duh. But the timing is horrible. If I even had a solid month or two to enjoy being married to my best friend before he had to start the work up that would be enough for me. I'm not asking for a year or a lifetime of him never leaving, obviously. I just want to get married and move into a cute little apartment with OUR stuff. Put OUR stuff in OUR space and just be with each other. For just a little while. I don't need a fabulous honeymoon. I don't need anything extravagant. I just want a little time.
As it stands, the wedding is going to be like a big good bye celebration. Like, he'll get there MAYBE two days before. We'll get married. And he'll leave. And I will stay home. In New York. With my parents. Not okay. I out grew this town four years ago. I don't want to be here, not even now. One reason I love the idea of being a military wife is because of all the different places I'll get to experience. Definitely a lot of different states, but there's even the possibility for different countries. But I want to go with him. I could move to Florida or Texas. But I know absolutely no one. I'd be a newlywed and completely alone. Isn't that the opposite idea of marriage? I don't want to be in a new place where I know no one and can't even talk to my husband because he's in a different state learning how to fight terrorists. I don't want to.
I'm just so lost. Why would God do this to us? Why does everything always have to be so hard? I have yet to tell my parents or any of my friends (except for Kaity now...as she reads this...) because I just can't bare to. From the moment my fiance decided to join and I decided to do it with him, I've never felt that neither my family nor his really thought I could do this. I think they all see me as being weak and too dependent. They are so traditional, they all think of a woman as a weak, submissive creature that needs a man to take care of her. I need to be take care of. I could never take care of myself. My mom never lived alone, she went from living with her parents to living with her husband. His parents went to college for less than a semester and dropped out and got married, his mom was 19. I just can't help but feeling that they think I am too weak and fragile. And I despise being viewed that way. I've lost my train of thought...and that point now seems irrelevant...damn.
I'm so afraid to cry. I feel that if I cry it's saying I am weak. I can't do this. It's too hard. And while my head is saying that, my heart isn't. I know I can do it (though I don't want to). It will most undoubtedly be hard. But nothing is too hard with faith. I just need to find it.
Maybe that's the point. One thing is certain; we have not placed God in the center of our relationship as we should. We kind of know that's what everyone's saying we should do. But we don't. Through this we really have been trying much harder to seek His will and to earnestly pray. I can only hope that once we start waiving our arms in panic 'Hey God! We do believe! We do have faith! Please take care of us!' He'll be like 'YES! You've learned your lesson!' and relieve us. Unfortunately, I know that's not really how it works most of the time. I'm just so confused, so broken. I am mad at the Marine Corps for having so much power over my life. ahhhhhhh.
I am terrified of what the next week will bring. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...and working on knowing how to handle it. Lots of prayers please. Prayers for peace, for understanding, for wisdom, for courage, for strength, for sight.
So, this is my second post in the entire really long time I've had this blog. I realize I only post when I've hit a real low point and don't know what else to do. I should really try to post when I'm in a good mood, however it seems I am most inspired when I am depressed, outraged, lonely, (list other negative emotions here). Whatever. I can think of worse ways to cope.
Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. Probably in the past nine months. My fiance's plans (and consequently my wedding plans) have changed. As my last post detailed he is an officer in the Marine Corps and his career has taken an unexpected twist. He's being sent to the Infantry Officer Course (IOC) and deploying in March then going to flight school. He was supposed to go straight to flight school, but the waiting period is so long the powers-that-be decided to do something else with the flight guys first. lame.
So whatever, we had to change our wedding date. After a lot of waiting and getting no answers he called the unit he would be deploying with to get answers - a risky move that some of his superiors didn't appreciate. Whatever. We got our information, and his fellow Lieutenants were pumped to get some information. So since the end of May we've been planning for our wedding on October 30th, with the go-ahead from some commanding officer of the unit he is now training and later deploying with.
As of a few weeks ago he had really began to consider whether it was the right thing to do, to do IOC and leave so soon after being married. His teachers and superiors repeatedly told them if they didn't feel they were in the right place to leave. If they didn't want to be there, they didn't want them there. So we started praying and seeking God's will as to whether or not this is the right step, or if he should drop out of IOC. We decided to keep praying and that he would get more information, find out just how much time we would be apart and some information about our living arrangements. (The unit was based out of Texas, but would be doing their training in California. We didn't know if I would be able to move to California or not, dependent upon whether or not we would get BAH - basic allowance for housing.) He had been told that he would work around 60 hours a week, but have holidays and most weekends off. So we said, hey that's not too bad. A few days ago someone from the Texas unit contacted them and said they would have time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas and three weeks off in February before they leave. Other than that, no time off. That meant no October wedding for us. He decided to drop.
He started asking questions and telling people he wanted to drop. They all said 'Well we think you should think this over a little more' but ultimately no one said they could stop him from doing it. Today he talked to the next person in line going up the bureaucratic chain and he said there was another guy trying to drop too and there's a good chance it's not possible. Excellent.
They said they would at least try to make sure he could be home for the wedding, but even that is now up in the air. They also won't give us BAH for me to go to Cali, I could only PCS (permanent change of station) to Pensacola, FL or Texas. One of his friends' family is in Cali and his wife will be staying there with their family. She's offered to let me live with her too, however she will be living 300 miles away from the base they will be training at. We cannot afford the cost of living in San Diego without BAH. It's not even close to possible. Bottom line - I may not be getting married in October (which we've already put a lot of money into that we can't get back) and even if I do, I won't be within 300 miles of my husband except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Awesome.
I just don't understand. The Marine Corps puts on this big front about caring so much for their men and their families. But so far they've done nothing but screw us over, telling us one thing only to turn around and tell us something completely different. As I'm sure anyone can imagine, this isn't good for the morale of their men. I've never seen my fiance so unhappy. How can he possibly do his job adequately when he desperately wants only to be somewhere else? He loves his job, he loves the Marine Corps. I have to admit I do too. I've never felt such a feeling of welcoming, belonging and family anywhere but when I've been on the base with other Marines. The seasoned Marine wives all know where us just starting out are and are so incredibly friendly and wanting to help. The people are great. The bureaucracy sucks.
I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's not over yet. He hasn't been given a definite no yet. He's going to keep trying and doing all he can, but neither of us have much hope. We can't see God's will, we don't know what he's doing in this situation. It's so incredibly hard to believe he's working when I feel such despair and absolutely no way out. All I want is to marry the love of my life and actually get to be with him awhile. We've been together almost four years and we've spent three of them an hour and a half or more apart. We're getting married because we love being together and want to be together. I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, but you chose to marry a Marine...this is what happens. True. But, he wasn't supposed to have to leave for at least two more years. I'm fully aware that deployment and separation is going to be a part of my life. duh. But the timing is horrible. If I even had a solid month or two to enjoy being married to my best friend before he had to start the work up that would be enough for me. I'm not asking for a year or a lifetime of him never leaving, obviously. I just want to get married and move into a cute little apartment with OUR stuff. Put OUR stuff in OUR space and just be with each other. For just a little while. I don't need a fabulous honeymoon. I don't need anything extravagant. I just want a little time.
As it stands, the wedding is going to be like a big good bye celebration. Like, he'll get there MAYBE two days before. We'll get married. And he'll leave. And I will stay home. In New York. With my parents. Not okay. I out grew this town four years ago. I don't want to be here, not even now. One reason I love the idea of being a military wife is because of all the different places I'll get to experience. Definitely a lot of different states, but there's even the possibility for different countries. But I want to go with him. I could move to Florida or Texas. But I know absolutely no one. I'd be a newlywed and completely alone. Isn't that the opposite idea of marriage? I don't want to be in a new place where I know no one and can't even talk to my husband because he's in a different state learning how to fight terrorists. I don't want to.
I'm just so lost. Why would God do this to us? Why does everything always have to be so hard? I have yet to tell my parents or any of my friends (except for Kaity now...as she reads this...) because I just can't bare to. From the moment my fiance decided to join and I decided to do it with him, I've never felt that neither my family nor his really thought I could do this. I think they all see me as being weak and too dependent. They are so traditional, they all think of a woman as a weak, submissive creature that needs a man to take care of her. I need to be take care of. I could never take care of myself. My mom never lived alone, she went from living with her parents to living with her husband. His parents went to college for less than a semester and dropped out and got married, his mom was 19. I just can't help but feeling that they think I am too weak and fragile. And I despise being viewed that way. I've lost my train of thought...and that point now seems irrelevant...damn.
I'm so afraid to cry. I feel that if I cry it's saying I am weak. I can't do this. It's too hard. And while my head is saying that, my heart isn't. I know I can do it (though I don't want to). It will most undoubtedly be hard. But nothing is too hard with faith. I just need to find it.
Maybe that's the point. One thing is certain; we have not placed God in the center of our relationship as we should. We kind of know that's what everyone's saying we should do. But we don't. Through this we really have been trying much harder to seek His will and to earnestly pray. I can only hope that once we start waiving our arms in panic 'Hey God! We do believe! We do have faith! Please take care of us!' He'll be like 'YES! You've learned your lesson!' and relieve us. Unfortunately, I know that's not really how it works most of the time. I'm just so confused, so broken. I am mad at the Marine Corps for having so much power over my life. ahhhhhhh.
I am terrified of what the next week will bring. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst...and working on knowing how to handle it. Lots of prayers please. Prayers for peace, for understanding, for wisdom, for courage, for strength, for sight.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps
I realize that this blog has proved nearly pointless as I made it almost a year ago (if not over a year ago) and have yet to actually write anything. But wow, what a day it has been. Since February my fiance and I have been planning our wedding without any idea whether or not the date we wanted would be able to become reality. He's an officer in the Marine Corps undergoing extensive training with the final goal of becoming a Naval Aviator and flying an F-18. As such, getting the official "good to go" for a wedding date is a tiring, frustrating process. Last week on Thursday he finally got word from the Colonel in charge of flight school (where he is...or was headed in June) that getting a week and a half of leave in October would be absolutely plausible and it was safe to plan on October 9th, 2010 for our wedding day. We planned to get married in October, have a great Jamaican honeymoon and spend 6 months relaxing on the beach in Pensacola, FL while he waited for flight school to pick up.
Today, exactly a week later everyone in his company is gathered together and told that there has been a change of plans. All flight contracts will have to go to Infantry Officer School (IOS) or Language Training and all will be getting deployed during the waiting period between the end of their current school and flight school. He ended up with IOC which equates to a week or so home in May, followed by a month of training in California, training in Virginia, training in North Carolina and a 7 month deployment in Afghanistan starting in December or January. Quite a sudden, shocking change. Now we find ourselves not knowing if we will be able to get married in October, most definitely not having a Jamaican honeymoon for a good year and a half or more and a great deal of time being separated from each other when we should be planning a wedding and enjoying being newly weds.
For those of you without anyone close in the military, the true impact this had on all the spouses, soon-to-be-souses and children in Alpha Co cannot possibly be understood. Likewise, the young lieutenants in A Co who had planned on a relaxing 6 months and at least two years before being deployed in some kind of aircraft suddenly learned they'll be entering real combat on the ground within a year.
It just made me think about how we can't get comfortable. We have to be cautious of getting so absorbed in our own plans that when they get disrupted it shatters our world. After enlightening my parents to the days events my dad posted this verse on Facebook: In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps - Proverbs 16:9. How true that is. Although today has been a really hard day I guess I can look at the positive side: I have been reminded of a few important truths.
1. We need to keep our sights focused on God's will and his plan for our lives. If we don't, we will be severely shaken when things don't go according to our plan, and you can be sure that sooner or later they won't.
2. Trust in the Lord with all you heart. Do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5.
3. The road through life might be - no let me rephrase - the road through life will be full of bumps and dark place where you're not sure where to go, how you got there or why. But in the end, if you keep your eyes and heart on God, you will end up exactly where you ought to be.
Today, exactly a week later everyone in his company is gathered together and told that there has been a change of plans. All flight contracts will have to go to Infantry Officer School (IOS) or Language Training and all will be getting deployed during the waiting period between the end of their current school and flight school. He ended up with IOC which equates to a week or so home in May, followed by a month of training in California, training in Virginia, training in North Carolina and a 7 month deployment in Afghanistan starting in December or January. Quite a sudden, shocking change. Now we find ourselves not knowing if we will be able to get married in October, most definitely not having a Jamaican honeymoon for a good year and a half or more and a great deal of time being separated from each other when we should be planning a wedding and enjoying being newly weds.
For those of you without anyone close in the military, the true impact this had on all the spouses, soon-to-be-souses and children in Alpha Co cannot possibly be understood. Likewise, the young lieutenants in A Co who had planned on a relaxing 6 months and at least two years before being deployed in some kind of aircraft suddenly learned they'll be entering real combat on the ground within a year.
It just made me think about how we can't get comfortable. We have to be cautious of getting so absorbed in our own plans that when they get disrupted it shatters our world. After enlightening my parents to the days events my dad posted this verse on Facebook: In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps - Proverbs 16:9. How true that is. Although today has been a really hard day I guess I can look at the positive side: I have been reminded of a few important truths.
1. We need to keep our sights focused on God's will and his plan for our lives. If we don't, we will be severely shaken when things don't go according to our plan, and you can be sure that sooner or later they won't.
2. Trust in the Lord with all you heart. Do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5.
3. The road through life might be - no let me rephrase - the road through life will be full of bumps and dark place where you're not sure where to go, how you got there or why. But in the end, if you keep your eyes and heart on God, you will end up exactly where you ought to be.
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