We Are God's Hands

My blog has been severely neglected for months now. My life has been pretty mundane. I continue to search for employment. . .and continue to get turned down. The days blur together as I carry on the menial tasks of a housewife. Basically, I've been pretty lacking in the inspiration department. I still wouldn't label what I'm about to write "inspired", but I felt the experience was one worth sharing.

Since June the husband and I have been volunteering as leaders with our church's youth group. Our church and the opportunity to be so involved when we will be here for such a short time has been a great blessing to us. The church has been doing something they call the $100 Challenge for awhile now. P Norm (as we endearingly refer to our pastor) challenged the congregation to donate $100 each week to help the community for an entire year. Each week a different individual donates a $100 bill, and a small group or another group in the church takes that $100 and does something within the Santa Rosa and Escambia counties to help. This week the girls in my youth group took the $100.

Pensacola has more homeless people in it than any city I've ever lived in or near. While the numbers aren't actually that high, the undeniable presence of the homeless was something foreign to me when I first moved here. Despite my education in Sociology and having taken several classes that examined poverty and homelessness, I refused to buy into the seemingly Liberal agenda that homeless people were actually helpless. I believed that no matter what circumstances you've been in you can always get a job at McDonald's and survive - after all, I did survive off of my Pizza Hut income, supplemented by my income from Subway. While I still don't understand all of the ways people become homeless that don't include laziness or a heavy drug addiction, I have gained new perspective.

With the $100 we decided to pack 10 reusable shopping bags with toiletries, nonperishable food items and other necessities. We then went out to downtown Pensacola early in the morning last Saturday and drove around looking for homeless people to hand them out to. The first man we found as we drove around the backside of a strip of restaurants and cam upon him digging in the dumpster for food. Thinking about how dehumanizing the idea of digging through mass amounts of garbage for the smallest amount of salvageable nourishment is I couldn't help but feel so incredibly sad. But when we gave him the bag of items and he responded just as I expected - apathetic. He said thank you, but didn't seem very thankful. The next two people we came across were the same.

The fourth man we found sitting in the park. It was early in the morning and cold. He sat bundled up so tightly you could just see his eyes peaking out from his jacket. We parked the truck across the street and a few of the girls got out to bring him a bag. They walked over, explained to him what we were doing and he accepted the bag. As he opened it and examined it contents he became so overjoyed that he threw his hands up in the air. He thanked the girls so thoroughly and genuinely, we could see his appreciation and thankfulness from across the street. As the girls headed back over to the truck he stood and waved to us and gave us thumbs up with the biggest smile on his face until we drove away and could no longer see him. As the morning progressed others were embarrassed, ashamed, some crass and mean, some tried to ignore us. We even approached a man who responded "I appreciate what you're doing...but I'm an artist, not homeless. I just like to dress this way." Oops. The very last man we came to was adding layers of sweaters on the street corner as we pulled up. We handed him a bag and he immediately began praising God and telling us how much we had blessed him with our small gift. 

No matter my previous misconceptions, these two men completely changed my heart. Their joy and gratefulness from our simple gift broke my heart and warmed my soul simultaneously. I felt that no matter what the circumstances that rendered them homeless, they truly needed help and were overjoyed to receive it. Furthermore, it revealed to me that it's not my job to judge these people. I'm called to serve.  James 2:15-17 says "15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good it is? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." This is just one of numerous scripture references that instruct us to help those in need. Not once does it say anything like "judge the reason for the need before you meet it" or "determine the true need of the person before you help them". It quite simply and clearly says to help. 

Thoughts from Panera.

As many who know me best can attest, I am one of the shiest, most awkward human beings ever. When I was younger I was very outgoing and made friends everywhere I went. I could spend two hours at the park and leave having made a new best friend. I guess that probably changed around sixth grade. Puberty starts kicking in and everyone gets awkward and weird and apparently I never grew out of it. All of high school I had the same couple of friends. When I graduated high school I got a job and started school at a community college. My friends moved away for college, my friends that stayed began changing and even became divided over my recent break up, as they were friends with us both. I basically had one good friend left. At this point, most people would try to make some new friends. But I would spend all day at school and all night at work and never speak to, or hardly look at, anyone. Fast forward two years. I graduated community college and went on to a four-year university. I requested a friend I already knew as my roommate and my boyfriend- now husband - went there. I stuck close to these two and barely made any new friends. Fast forward another two years and I graduated from college knowing a few people, but having the same amount of close friends as I went in with.

Then I married my husband, a Marine. I knew my life would from that point on be consumed with moving from place to place, having to constantly be fostering new relationships as people go out of my life just as quickly as they come into it. It was this aspect of military life, above all else, that scared me. I dreaded the superficial "getting-to-know-you" talk and the long periods of awkward silence waiting to be filled when conversing with a stranger. I moved to Florida after my wedding and spent six months in solitude, only venturing out when my husband made arrangements to visit with his friends, only some of which had wives or girlfriends for me to talk to. Even still, the majority of these girls weren't people that I could form meaningful relationships with. We had nothing in common and so many of them were content to just be at home and take care of their husbands.

In April we moved from the city out to a small, rural town much like where I grew up. We began attending church regularly and found the warmest, most welcoming church family I have ever experienced. They immediately made us feel welcome and began investing in us and sharing opportunities with us to develop a sense of ownership there. I also began attending wives groups, and though it was awkward I was able to meet some girls that I have become really great friends with.

Through getting to know these girls and the people at our new church I've began to realize that I've greatly missed the experience of getting to know new people. While I absolutely love all of my friends back home, I'm beginning to enjoy getting to experience different people. I know all of my old friends so well that some of the excitement of our relationships has kind of died out. I have began to step out of my comfort zone and spend time with people I don't know. Just last week a stranger contacted me, a fellow Marine wife who had found me through a spouses page on Facebook, and I offered to meet her for coffee-and actually did! I guess this post is just a long way of saying I am so glad that God has begun to show me the way to getting over being timid by demonstrating how rewarding and exciting it can be to meet new people. I'm becoming incredibly thankful for the opportunity to move around so much and experience new places and new people so often. Being shy is a character trait I definitely can't afford to keep living this lifestyle.

This Ain't My American Dream

"When success is equated with excess

The ambition for excess wrecks us

When top of the mind becomes the bottom line

When success is equated with excess

This ain’t my American dream

I want to live and die for bigger things

I’m tired of fighting for just me

This ain't my American dream

Like a puppet on a monetary string

Maybe we’ve been caught singing

red, white, blue, and green

But that ain’t my America,

That ain’t my American dream"

-Switchfoot

This song has been playing over and over and over in my head for some time now, for a couple of reasons. The first is, I'm unemployed. The hubby has a job obviously so we're not really struggling with finances, but we have just enough coming in to pay all of our bills and have some left over to go out and do a few things on the weekend. We didn't have enough to get a super great house - not that ours is bad by any means. It's just small and not in the greatest location. And it's bare. We, being newly weds and never living on our own outside of college, don't have much furniture or decor to fill a house with. Not to mention all of my clothes have holes and stains all over them.

If my husband and I were the typical 23 year olds, just out of college and starting out into the real world, this probably wouldn't bother me so much. But we're not. We're in the military. And all of the people we're surrounded by are older and somehow seem to have more financial stability because they're houses are much nicer and are filled with nice things and wear nice clothes and have big rings and designer bags. Which is all well and good. But I've just been overwhelmed with a feeling of lacking and embarrassment. I don't want to have people over to my house because I've seen where and how they live and am almost ashamed of how and where I live. It's just like the lyrics to the song. I've bough into the idea that success is demonstrated by the stuff we have. And that's annoying.

The second reason is I went to a job interview today. While that's great - seeing as I've been applying to jobs for months and never even gotten a call back - I was in that place for an hour and I can already tell I would HATE it there. It's a marketing company that sells airspace on the radio to local companies. The message they pounded into my head for an hour was that it would be my job to help my clients make money. And was shown multiple demonstrations about how I personally can make the most money. The whole entire hour was filled with money money money money. The woman interviewing me said, verbatim, "It's a really rewarding job because you're helping people make money. Really what you're doing is helping people." Uhm. No. That's what I did at YAP. I helped people SURVIVE. Not businesses make profit from consumers. I just hate that whole idea. I hate the idea of working for a company that does nothing I care about, nothing I perceive as meaningful. It's not even like it's just a food service job or an office job where my particular job may feel meaningless. It's that I hate the entire idea of their company. The people were pushy and snobby and obviously held the path to wealth in great esteem. I don't fit in there, I don't agree with their business philosophies and while I didn't expect to feel satisfied with my job, I certainly don't want to feel hatred toward it. Yet, it would be 40 hours a week making $11.00 an hour - $440 a week - $1500 a month. That extra money would be AMAZING. 

So I'm caught. My lusting after material possessions to feel adequate in the eyes of my peers is almost making me feel better about the thought of taking a job in an industry I want nothing to do with. And it's just that. Pure and simple. I don't NEED the money. If I were single or if my husband had an entry level job somewhere, I wouldn't think twice about it. But the bare facts are I would hate it there and it only seems appealing because it would enable me to afford the material luxuries my peers have. I feel pressured by the world to develop a need for expensive things. Like a Coach bag on my arm somehow signals to a passerby that I'm worth something. Honestly, my last job I made a decent amount of money, but I would have done it any day for much less because I LOVED it. And I felt fulfilled. 

Anyway, enough ramblings. I'm just stuck. I don't know if I should remain jobless over taking a job in an industry I hate. I've been complaining about being jobless for so long that I feel I have no right to reject the offer. But I just don't think I could hack it.

Joyful Obedience

I've been attending a bible study the last month or so and I have to say it has been a tremendous blessing. It's been three or four years since I've been involved in any kind of prayer group or bible study, or even regular church attendance. A friend of mine here in Pensacola introduced my husband and I to this bible study that's part of a national organization called Officer's Christian Fellowship, so it's specifically for officers in all branches of the military. It's helped immensely to meet others going through the same things that I am, and that my husband is and to know that even if I don't know these people very well, I can talk to them because of the common bonds of Christianity and military life. Anyway.


The last month or so we've been studying Philippians, a letter of joy written to the Philippians from Paul while he was imprisoned. Tonight we studied chapter 2:12-18 - "12Therefore, my dear friend, as you have always obeyed -- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence -- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
     14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out the world of life -- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoiced with me." - NIV

The fact the Paul could even consider writing a letter of joy while in prison is just absolutely amazing and foreign to me. But that's obvious. I'm nearly positive I've read this section of scripture before, but it has never struck me as being as powerful as it did tonight. I suppose my thoughts on this passage are nothing incredibly insightful or profound, but I feel it necessary to write about it anyway. First, I absolutely love the analogy of God's children shining like stars. As someone pointed out tonight, stars are surrounded by darkness and yet shine through it, just as we are living in a world of pain and darkness, yet we are to live in it and shine, not become immersed in it as well. That alone is a huge challenge.


But really what I'm dwelling on is verse 14 through verse 16 (14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out the world of life -- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.). First and foremost, it comes right out and instructs us, as Christians to do every single task with complete obedience, without grumbling and complaining. Confession: I am a gold medal complainer. I complain constantly. Up until studying this passage, I kind of passed it off as just an annoying habit. But to see that the word of God actually addresses it, basically as a sin, something that we must not do if we are to be seen as blameless and pure, was eye opening. The leader of the Bible study then challenged us to choose just one specific thing to commit to going just one day without doing, something we're convicted about. And after reading this I am really committing to not complaining tomorrow. It's going to be difficult, sometimes I complain without even realizing it. But that's my goal for tomorrow. 


Even more than that though is verse 16, a continuation of 14 and 15, saying that we are to do everything without complaining and arguing so that you can shine like a star while you hold out the word of life. Other translations say 'as you hold on to the word of life'. Personally, this distinction changes the implications of this verse. To say 'to hold on to' implies that you are keeping God's works to yourself. As we were asked our interpretations of this every one that spoke replied that it seemed to be saying that we need to hold tightly to the word and promises of God in order to do these things, to make it through the struggle of living Christ-like, or something of that nature. However, as my translation says 'as you hold out the word of life' I understood it to mean something very different from my peers. (But being shy and awkward I didn't say anything then.) 


I considered the verses together, that we are to do everything without complaining or arguing and shining as a star in the darkness and to hold out the word. In my interpretation, this passage is that we are to show others the work God is doing in us and the character of Jesus through our actions, through holding out the word. I thought of every day tasks, a situation in which we must work amongst other people and accomplish a goal. Imagine you have to work with a group of people. If there is one person in that group who is grumbling about the task at hand, complaining that they have to do it, it creates a negative spirit in everyone there. Likewise, if there is one person in the group who is being positive and joyful, it encourages the whole group. After considering this, I just was really reminded of the power we have as one individual, to affect people around us, especially with the right motive and heart. The way we act in such situations says an incredible amount about our character and our faith. What an awesome testimony I could be to others if I just encouraged rather than complained. I mean really, I would notice that in someone. We can say so much more about the love and character of Jesus through our actions than we could ever say with our mouth. And though it's nothing incredibly profound, I just feel this poking feeling at my heart. I feel intensely convicted. I need to stop complaining all the time. I need to be joyful and encouraging. I need to more seriously strive to allow Jesus to make me a bright shining star in the darkness of my world. And I very earnestly feel that this is one area that God is telling me I need to improve in order for others to see him in me.


So anyway, as I said, nothing particularly profound or theological and not at all eloquently stated (I said it much better talking to myself on my drive home...), but I found it incredibly convicting and perhaps someone else needed to hear it too.