Deception

Every night I go to bed determined to wake up and go run or go to a class at the gym, or both! And every morning I wake up having totally and completely lost all determination I had built up the previous night. I follow my routine of eating a bowl of cereal while watching The Rachael Ray Show, The View, The Chew, etc... and sitting around doing housework and school work and telling myself I'll workout with Jon when he gets home. The problem is, sometimes he gets home at 8:00pm. Sometimes he gets home at 5:30 when I have to leave for youth group or bible study at 5:45. There's my easy excuse.

Today I woke up and was legitimately planning to do some P90X or go running or biking or to the gym. I was so into the idea that I made the resolution to blog about my fitness goals and progress. I even took the "before" pictures! I ate some breakfast and sat down to do some schoolwork to allow my stomach to digest. I did my work and then went and changed into my workout gear, put on my shoes, and put CardioX into the dvd player. I did the warm up. Then I began telling myself it was too hard. I couldn't do it. I'm not strong enough. I'm too out of shape. I might as well quit now. And I did. I inexplicably turned off the tv, went upstairs, took a shower, and forgot about the whole thing.

As overwhelming the feelings of regret and defeat are, it's not enough for me to go try again. I face this struggle every single day. Not just with working out either, but with anything I'm uncertain of. I never leave my comfort zone. I rarely try new things. I'm so afraid of failure and rejection that I don't even try. I let my doubt convince me that it's better to not even try. There are so many things in my life that I'm unhappy with. Some I can honestly do nothing about. But for the most part if I just had an ounce of real determination I could accomplish my "goals". I'm unhappy with my body, not just because the way it looks, but because I know it symbolizes a deeper problem. I'm unhealthy. I'm unhappy with how much crappy food I put into my body. I'm unhappy about how long it's taking me to do finish this course I'm taking. I'm unhappy with my lack of spiritual growth.

Perhaps I need to turn my attention away from myself for once and focus on something bigger. God. I'm not one of those crazies who is always yelling 'the Devil made me do it' or looking for a demon under every rock. But I do wholeheartedly believe that every single person who claims the name of Christian faces a spiritual battle. Satin is always trying to turn us away from God's path for our lives in any way he can. The number one thing I've learned about Satin is that he is a liar. A deceiver. Upon reflecting on my current predicament, it's clear to me that my struggle lies deeper than the mundane problem of not wanting to work out. I'm so out of touch with my Creator, my Savior, that I am listening to every single one of Satin's deceptions. He tells me I can't do it. And I believe it. Whether it's working out or sitting down to pray. The resolution to every problem in my life, EVERY problem, is that I don't follow God's word. I don't spend time in the Bible, I don't earnestly pray. I don't listen to his guidance and will. How much easier, better, happier, healthier could life be if I did?